Talullah was having a ball. Tea was being served in Cliveden's marvellous
lobby by waiters in smart black uniforms. Coats of armour stood guard. Nancy
Astor peered down playfully from a portrait by John Singer Sargent. Guests
by a vast stone fireplace perused the papers, sipping from fine white china
as classical piano music tinkled from the direction of the dining room.
Meanwhile, Talullah gambolled about. Talullah was a tiny white poodle, so
neatly groomed, with a mad bushy tail accompanying her cropped look, that
she almost appeared to be another creature altogether.
“Tulu, come back! She's going after his sandwiches!” cried the dog's pretty
owner. I grabbed my plate just in time.
Along with the powder-blue Lamborghini in the gravel forecourt, Talullah
seemed to symbolise what Cliveden was all about: the very wealthy at play...
and not worrying all that much who knows they are very wealthy people at
play.
Visiting this terrific hotel - I enjoyed my stay immensely - gave me an
insight into another world. Cliveden is of course infamous for its “set”,
the group surrounding the Astors in the 1930s that is said to have been
pro-appeasement. Later, in 1961, it was where John Profumo, Secretary of
State for War, first encountered Christine Keeler, a 19-year-old model and
call girl, by the pool.
All this intrigue has given the distinguished 19th-century country house -
part of the Von Essen hotel stable - an aura. Then there was the view. From
its hilltop you can see a dramatic bend of the Thames that rivals just about
any other.
The service was top-notch: polite and on the ball, although the doorman raised
an eyebrow when I parked my Renault 5 between two Range Rovers (my car was
probably worth less than my room rate). There are, apparently, four members
of staff to every guest.
My room, the Garibaldi (each is named after a former guest), was excellent:
big bed, elegant decor, lots of antiques. It wasn't overly decorative - to
me it seemed just right.
For this I paid a rusty Renault 5-beating £229, on a Sunday. Despite the car
comparison, I considered this a bargain: a dull Hilton near by would have
been £70 less. And I also had use of indoor and outdoor pools, a great
hot-tub, 376 parkland acres, and a selection of restaurants.
My monkfish at the “Club Restaurant” was adequate, but the breakfast deserves
a special mention: hearty sausages, crispy bacon, poached eggs, fresh coffee
and waiter service... all with a lovely Thames view.
Talullah, the very wealthy people and I had a great time.
Bottom line Mystery Guest paid £229 for a B&B double.
Sampling the fare Two courses cost £40 with wine in the casual Cliveden
Club Restaurant.
Best thing Sense of scandal.
Worst thing Bathroom light that buzzed.
Need to know Cliveden (01628 668561, www.clivedenhouse.co.uk),
Taplow, Berkshire SL6 0JF.
Room 9 out of 10
Food 6.5 out of 10
Service 9 out of 10
Value 8 out of 10
Score 8.13
PUT TO THE TEST: 20 Mystery Guest questions for... Cliveden
1. Do rooms have kettles/coffee makers? And is there fresh milk?
No. But hot drinks can be ordered on room service, for a charge.
2. Is there a hairdryer, and is it fixed to a wall?
Hand-held hair dryers.
3. Are coathangers metal, wooden, removable?
Wooden and removeable.
4. Complimentary bottle of water?
Yes.
5. Sheets and blankets or duvets?
Sheets and blankets.
6. What about a 'pillow menu'?
Different types of pillows can be requested.
7. Is lighting good enough for reading?
Yes.
8. Is there a shaving/make up mirror? And is it well lit?
Yes, and yes.
9. What about the in-room entertainment system?
Small flat-screen TVs, CD and DVD players in tasteful wooden cabinets.
10. Is there a temperature control panel?
Yes.
11. Do the windows open?
Yes.
12. Is there good sound-proofing?
Good, however Mystery Guest could hear faint TV noise from next door.
13 . Is there wi-fi internet access?
Yes - it costs £15 for a 24 hours.
14. Is there a good place to go jogging nearby?
Yes. 376 acres of parkland.
15. What is the vegetarian food selection like?
Wide. And the chef will make up dishes on request.
16. Is there baby listening/babysitting? And are children welcome at
adults' evening meals?
Babysitting but no baby listening. Children are welcome at meals but most
parents with children choose to eat at the Club Restaurant.
17. Is there wheelchair access to all areas?
Yes, to all public areas and to most, but not all, rooms.
18. Do you get a free paper in the morning?
No.
19. Is there a pub round the corner?
The Feathers is a ten-minute walk from the front door by the entrance gate to
the estate.
20. Is there free car parking? And is it secure?
Yes, with valet parking.
