It may be that no man is an island, but plenty of alpha males have their own. When you’ve the glitz, the glamour and the girls, you’ll be left wanting only one thing: the privacy to enjoy them in. And nothing says 'mind your own' like a pile of sand in one of the world’s most beautiful archipelagos (and the odd appeal to The Press Complaints Commission).

However, if you want to keep your place in the Hollywood pecking order, you can’t just buy any sub-tropical paradise…and so, for the benefit of our stellar readers, we present our almost-definitive guide to what’s hot, and what’s merely tickling the thermometer:

A-list: The Bahamas, home to Depp, Cage, Rothschild and, er, Copperfield

Johnny Depp enjoyed slapping on the kohl in Pirates of the Caribbean so much that he bought his very own treasure island in 2004. He paid a bargain £1.9m for Little Halls Pond Cay, complete with six secluded beaches, a private harbour and a lagoon. Relatively nearby on Leaf Cay is Nicholas Cage, who paid £1.6m for 40 undeveloped acres in 2006. Eddie Murphy, Faith Hill, the Rothschilds and Edward de Bono also own islands nearby, as does David Copperfield, who, to widespread public rejoicing, made himself disappear to the $50m Musha Cay.

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To stay: if, improbably, you remain a fan of Copperfield’s wooden trickery, you can hire one of the four islands in his cay for a mere $25,000 a day. See www.mushacay.com for details. But wouldn’t it just eat away at you that the egotistical illusionist appears to have named one of the coves “Copperfield Bay”?

Somewhat cheaper, Roxton Bailey Robinson (www.rbrww.com) offers the chance to rent one of 19 villas on the private Kamalame Cove & Cay for seven nights, priced at £1,990 pp including flights.

To buy: there’s a definite shortage of islands for sale at the moment, but you could do a lot worse than this million-dollar four-bedroom house overlooking the beach in Nassau. If you’re swapping property in Central London, you’ll have plenty of change left over for a small boat – or a floating island, as we like to call it.

The B-list: Fiji, first choice of Gibson and Forbes

The recent political unrest has definitely knocked Fiji out of the top tranche like a Rolling Stone from a coconut palm. Once up there with the best of them, TV’s Ironside, Raymond Burr, who bought Naitoumba Island, and ultra-capitalist Malcolm Forbes, who took over Laucala Island, called the dispersed nation home. Nowadays they can still boast Hollywood A-listers like Mel Gibson, who spent £7.8m on Mago Island in 2004, but just not enough of them.

To stay: where else but the island where The Blue Lagoon was filmed? Rates start at $1,632 per couple per night, but you can rent the entire place for a week for $275,000.

To buy: Koro Island – a snip at $35m. See privateislandsonline.com, which has something in everyone’s price range, whether you’re just stinking loaded or a card-carrying plutocrat.

C-list: The British Virgin Islands, retreat of Branson

Yep, these are the fabled beardy isles where English music barons, minor royalty, tax-dodgers and reality-TV contestants come to play. Plenty of A-list visitors, sure, but even more C-listers, and only a handful of famous long-term residents: chief amongst them, Richard Branson. Buying an island because it shares a name with your holding company can’t have been cool even in 1979.

To stay: the charmingly named Guana Island sleeps 30 in a spectacular 850 acres. From £1,675 per person for 7 nights, through bviholidays.com. Or you can help keep the Virgin empire afloat by hiring Branson’s own Necker Island (www.necker.com/). Prices start at £22,500 per couple per week.

To buy: over the border, but round the corner. Great Hans Lollick and Little Hans Lollick are $45m the pair for 640 acres of pristine goodness, and, disconcertingly, remind one of the Thunderbirds' island. Did International Rescue go out of business? Are their creditors forcing them to sell up?

Z-list: The Isle of Sheppey, heaven for sheep

Located in the sunny Thames Estuary, Sheppey began, and continues, as a place to graze sheep. Many visitors make good use of the island’s three prisons, although there's also a nudist beach.

To stay: it simply has to be The Royal Hotel, a traditional public house hotel dating back to the early 19th century, and a 2 minute walk from Sheerness's blue flag beach, shopping facilities and swimming pool. Should the weather prove less than tropical, all rooms have a TV and tea-making facilities. Expect to part with a belt-tightening fifty-four quid for a double.

To buy: if it’s a holiday home you’re after, you could do worse than this £15,000 two-bedroom caravan in the delightfully windswept Shurland-Dale Holiday Park, Sheerness. The property benefits from the following features: UPVC double glazing and views over the estuary.

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