Many years ago, in my carefree single days, I rented an apartment in a
security-gated development in Los Angeles. Of all the city’s addresses, it
was possibly the frumpiest. I was so embarrassed by it, I used to lie about
where I lived. Gated communities anywhere in the world just ain’t cool.
Even so, as the agent was showing me around, I felt thrilled at the prospect
of living inside such a functional, litter-free, pauper-free world. It had
barriers with security guards and lots of on-site leisure facilities,
including a gym, laundromat and – because it was California – a leafy
running track, with drolly designed obstacles from which to jump and
exercise in perfect, sun-dappled safety. I imagined forging friendships over
the stretching bars and chatting happily at the laundromat. Fear and
loneliness would be banished at a stroke.
Needless to say, it didn’t pan out like that. The place was functional and
litter-free, all right, but it was a ghost town. All the time I was there,
my only interaction with a fellow inmate was an abusive letter, complaining
I closed my front door too loudly when I came in at night. It was signed:
“in anger, Apt No 1458”. It was the most unfriendly, soulless place I have
ever lived.
So would life in the English equivalent be any better? Number 3 Upper Walk is
a four-bedroom detached house built in 1998. It nestles, along with 212
other “living units”, under the comforting gaze of 24-hour surveillance
cameras in Virginia Park, a luxury gated development in the affluent village
of Virginia Water, Surrey, where, I imagine, the Duke and Duchess of York,
in happier days, once bought their milk.
On top of the price of £995,000, buyers must stump up almost £3,000 in annual
charges. In return, they get security cameras and a guard, the use of a
staggeringly beautiful indoor swimming pool, whirlpool bath and gym, a
children’s adventure playground, sports hall and a tennis court.
The development has been built in the grounds of an immaculately refurbished
19th-century sanatorium, since transformed into the residents’ leisure
centre. Where the poor inmates once suffered unimaginable newfangled cures
and cruelties, there are now sunbeds. And treadmills. And not a single soul
in sight. I’m probably being fanciful (anyone else read Fingersmith by Sarah
Waters?), but it gave me the creeps.
“At the weekends,” the estate agent assured me as we wound between the bland
and deserted luxury housing mini-clusters that make up the rest of the
development, “you’ll see kids everywhere. They’re in and out of each other’s
houses all day.”
Ho hum. Hard to believe, looking round. The entire 24-acre development of
Virginia Park was almost completely deserted the sunny afternoon I visited.
In any case, I think he may be missing the point. It takes a certain
mentality to want to live locked away like this: a mentality that, wherever
you may be in the world, is unlikely to lean towards any other kind of
neighbourliness. Families who choose gated developments are putting
functional living before anything else – beauty, soul or community spirit.
Presumably, they want houses that do just the same.
Which is where Number 3 Upper Walk so neatly slips in. For those functional
sorts untroubled by silly notions of karma or aesthetics, it is just the
ticket. It is probably very comfortable and, of course, very functional. It
has built-in wardrobes everywhere, but remarkably few bookshelves – but what
fully functional person can’t get what they need off the internet? There is
a double garage, because these people always seem to need lots of cars, with
remote-controlled doors, because they just love electrical gadgets. And
there are innumerable sinks and basins, because they hate nothing more than
germs.
It also has a Georgian-look brass grate for the gas fire in the sitting room,
little white lanterns in the garden, a plastic kitchen sink and white fitted
carpets throughout. It has a garden, landscaped by the developers for
minimum upkeep, as one would expect. What functional person ever has time
for gardening? “The thing about these houses,” the agent explained, “is they
were built ready to move in to. Carpets, kitchens, wardrobes, tiles –
everything was done. All the purchaser had to do was move in.”
These ones moved out several months ago, or rather their tenants did, and who
can blame them? There is no way to put it kindly: the house is horrible.
Tasteless, uncool, soulless. Aesthetically speaking, it’s an affront. Pretty
much everything about the way it’s been finished feels cheap. And it’s
probably lonely, too, for any poor housewife forced to spend long days
there, cowering from all those gin-drenched Virginia Water criminals,
pressing all those remote-control buttons and scrubbing away at the germs.
The point about Number 3 Upper Walk – the beauty of it, even – is that it’s
functional. Supremely so. It’s a five-minute walk to the train station and a
two-minute walk to the tennis court and indoor pool. It may well be hideous,
but it’s comfortable, convenient and safe. If my California experience is
anything to go by, though, potential purchasers should first take a short
course in appropriate front-door closing.
3 Upper Walk, Virginia Water, Surrey £995,000 (pictured above)
What is it? A four-bedroom detached house, with double garage and
south-facing garden.
Where is it? In Virginia Park, a gated development on the site of a
former sanatorium.
Who is selling it? Barton Wyatt; 01344 843000, www.
bartonwyatt.co.uk.
Not tempted? Here’s what £995,000 will buy elsewhere
London
A two-bed duplex flat on the sixth and seventh floors of Oyster Wharf in
Battersea, by the Thames, opposite Chelsea Harbour. It is available on a
125-year lease through O’Sullivan Property Consultants (020 7493 6969, www.osullivanproperty.co.uk)
.
Devon
Park View is set in six acres of pasture and woodland in Peamore, four miles
from Exeter. The Grade II-listed five-bed house has two reception rooms and
a conservatory. For sale with Jackson-Stops & Staff (01392 214222, www.jackson-stops.co.uk
).
Cambridgeshire
A detached 1920s house backing onto playing fields in Cambridge city centre,
50 minutes by train from London King’s Cross. The property has five bedrooms
and three reception rooms and is for sale through Bidwells (01223 841842, www.bidwells.co.uk
).
