IT’S that time of year again. Spring has sprung and the days are getting longer. Tools are being dusted off, matters taken in hand. Hammers, screwdrivers and drills are being brought to bear on wonky shelves and dripping taps. It’s DIY season.

I struggle with the Yourself in Do It Yourself. After two years of failing to fit a letterbox to my front door I finally got a specialist in. One hour and £60 later the postman finally has a place to put his post. I did this — but I did not, technically, do it myself. For me, the telephone is the most powerful power tool there is.

Judging from the soaring popularity of services like Dial-a-Hubby and 0800 Handyman, I am not the only unskilled DIYer out there. Fearing a nation of feckless tools and a drop in sales, Black and Decker has launched the Power Tool University. Just in time.

The PTU is located in Slough — right next door to the building featured in The Office. Yes, it’s that promising. To add to the excitement I have a crippling hangover.

The university is presently open only to trade professionals. If it takes off it will open to the public and roll out nationally. The course lasts four hours. We will do drilling, screwing sanding and hanging. There’s no theory — it’s all practice. Successful candidates get a certificate. Failures are sent home with a self-inflicted industrial injury. I plan to pass.

My class has ten people — a mix of journalists and DIY professionals. Before we begin Black and Decker subject us to an agonising PowerPoint presentation. We learn that their first drill was inspired by a Colt gun in 1916. Before long I want to shoot myself.

Next thing, I am nudged awake, forced into overalls and dragged off to the classroom proper. Suddenly the air smells of sawdust and effort — a flashback to woodwork class at school. Having failed then I vow not to fail now.

“I am Mr Drills,” Mark, the drill instructor, says. Cheerfully he explains the difference between rotary (good for wood) and hammer

(suitable for stone and brick). The drilling begins and Mark hands me a special prototype drill (not available in shops). I take aim and fire. It judders into life, screams and then stops. There’s a faint whiff of smoke. “Don’t worry,” says Mark, looking very worried indeed. I have destroyed a valuable prototype Black and Decker drill. Brilliant. A female fellow student sniggers and I struggle not to hit her. Mark hands me a new drill and I manage to make holes in steel, stone and metal. I pass drilling.

“Now we’re going to do some screwing!” Jenny, the unnaturally cheerful screwing specialist, promises. To spice things up, a competition has been arranged. To win “Drive 5” we must get five screws into a piece of wood as quickly as possible using an electric screwdriver. Everyone has their own technique — I put five in my mouth and pull them out quickly, grating my teeth and exacerbating my headache. I manage 21 seconds. The winner does it in 19. In America one man gave up his job and practised for six months to win the challenge in 15 seconds and earn a cool million dollars. I won’t give up the day job.

Sanding is next. Becky, our sander, explains the Cyclonic four-in-one sander and its many functions. To pass we must sand a piece of wood about 5 in sq. I take the sander in hand and switch on. “Careful!” Becky says, as the sanding pad comes loose. I scratch through sanding.

The fourth, and final, Herculean DIY task is hanging a picture. By now I want to hang a person — if not myself, then certainly James our hanging instructor. I am wondering how strong the hook would need to be as he explains the laser spirit level. It detects pipes and wires so you don’t electrocute yourself or flood your home. Gone are the days of strings and unreliable angles. With this bit of kit you can accurately space pictures to “ get that gallery effect”. Somehow I hang a picture — just one. It’s not straight but I pass.

Four classes, four passes. And, apart from a broken drill, no injuries. Proudly I take my certificate knowing I can hang it on the wall all by myself.

Dial-A-Hubby: 01903 501121, www.dial-a-hubby.com; 0800 Handyman: www.0800handyman.co.uk, 0800 426396

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