THE North/South divide is alive in our homes. Who can say who has more taste? But it’s obvious that northern practicality is often at odds with southern pretensions.

FLOORING — Northerners are happy to be “laminated throughout”, in the words of Nana Royle. Southerners want real wood.

CARPETS — Southerners consider wall-to-wall vulgar, northerners need it for the warmth.

WINDOWS — Northerners see no wrong in UPVC; southerners think it “just too ghastly”.

PERIOD FEATURES — if it lets in draughts, brings down soot or needs resealing every six months, knock it out, brick it up, or cover it with a washable mat, says the North.

CURTAINS — Northern curtains should skirt the bottom of the window sill; southern curtains cascade to the floor.

OLD FURNITURE — Northerners wonder why anybody would want anybody else’s old junk.

BAUBLES AND BEADS — Cushions, lamps, beds decked with feathers, beads, or sequins are outré in Lewisham, but not in Leeds.

WORKTOPS — Granite is still a badge of pride in northern kitchens; it comes up well with Flash. Hardwood is just that; it requires constant oiling and harbours muck.

FRETWORK — Plain kitchen cupboards are a cop-out in the North — even by Poggenpohl.

LIGHTING — As Peter Kay says, “let’s put t’big light on”. Northerners can’t be doing with half-watt lamps smouldering in corners.

WALLPAPER — Southerners think, “mmm, a tasteful accent wall”. Northerners might think, “pink and green stripes above the dado, green and pink flowers below it”.

THE ‘UNIT’ — No point having stuff and not showing it off, reckons the northerner.

MARSHMALLOW SOFAS — DFS, specialists in overstuffed leather upholstery, started out in Doncaster. Ample northern bottoms prefer ample northern seating.

IKEA — Northerners think it’s cheap, badly made, and for students. Southerners think they’re getting a bargain.

THE NURSERY — Southerners pick out a few pieces of crisp linen from the White Company; northerners head straight to Mamas and Papas — head office Huddersfield — and buy the lot.

GAS PATIO HEATERS — Southerners think “common”, Northerners: “If Llewelyn-Bowen lived in Ilkley he’d have one too. You can’t get no warmth from them fancy chimineras.”

BEDDING PLANTS — “What’s wrong with a bit of colour in the garden?” says the northerner as he plants 600 primulas. “What’s right about flowers that can be seen from space?” thinks the southerner.

JAYNE DOWLE (from Barnsley)

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