I have tended to shy away from garden centres since my first visit to one. Confronted as I walked in with a large, wicker basket with BABY embroidered on the side – a gardeners’ infant-bearing contraption – I thought, huh, just as I suspected, everything to do with lifestyle, these garden centre thingies, very little to do with gardening.

How we deceive ourselves. Gardening itself, I have come to understand, is of course all to do with lifestyle. And so when a second trip to a garden centre fell my way, I went armed with the intention to really get to grips with it.

I went in search of nematodes, to protect the cabbages we had just sown. I steeled myself for the barrage of rubbish. I fought my way through garden furniture and barbecue equipment, past wasp catchers, bronze statuary and Etruscan amphorae. Where was the gardening stuff, damnit?

I have learnt three things: (1) A garden centre will be staffed exclusively by teenage boys, who don’t have the faintest idea where anything is. Or indeed what anything is. (2) The manager will always be called Martin. The teenage boys won’t be able to find him either. (3) Nematodes must be ordered by post. So I left after an hour, not empty-handed but with gardening gloves, children’s books, a jewellery box, and a wonderful Readers’ Digest Complete Vegetable Gardener (tells you when to pick and how to store them, my current confusion). Oh, and I also picked up on the way out, an antique high chair, a small table and a rocking horse. I haven’t enjoyed myself so much in a shop since – ever. And I shall be back at Christmas for an Etruscan amphora.

Expert advice

Nematodes are microscopic worms that prey on specific soil creatures – such as slugs, vine weevils, chafer grubs and leatherjackets – and are harmless to other wildlife and pets. They are sold in powdered form and are activated when mixed with water and then watered on to the soil. Certain nematodes need to be applied at certain times of year and require a minimum soil temperature. They need to be kept in a fridge until used.

Suppliers include www.greengardener.co.uk (01603 716986); www.organiccatalogue.com (0845 1301304); www.harrodhorticultural.com (0845 402 5300).

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