There are two ways of getting vegetables to your dinner plate: you can buy instant at the supermarket or you can try a second, rather more time-consuming method. Here’s how it works: 1. You dig over a patch of land so vigorously that your back aches for three days. You manure it in autumn and tell your wife: “I’m planning to grow broccoli.” You try not to notice as she creases up with laughter. 2. The following spring, you sow broccoli seeds. You water, you hoe, you wage war on slugs. 3. After about a year, you pick your first crop and process to the kitchen in triumph. “I thought you might like some of my broccoli to go with dinner,” you say with pride.

“Good grief,” the chef replies. “Is that all there is?”

Be warned. This is what we’ll all be doing if Professor Tim Lang has his way. He’s the government food adviser who coined the phrase “food miles” – and he believes a global crisis is looming. “If you depend on Tesco or Sainsbury’s or Wait-rose,” he says, “your food supply is under their control. But if you grow some food to eat, however little, you are asserting your food citizenship.”

I have been asserting my food citizenship in the back garden of our house in Somerset for two years now, and am beginning to wonder whether it’s worth the effort. Let’s start with the broccoli: I’ve had two attempts at the purple-sprouting variety. The first produced enough for one Sunday dinner. The second looked more promising – until a pony broke into the garden and ate half the crop.

Potatoes, I was advised, are much easier. You push them into the ground (on Good Friday, traditionally), then you sit back and watch them grow. So, a week before Easter, I headed for the garden centre. “Sorry,” they said. “We sold out in January.”

At my third stop, I managed to find three bags. Last year’s potatoes were a triumph. This year’s grew magnificent green leaves – but not many potatoes.

Fancy some carrots? The stalks are tiny, delicate and, in my experience, susceptible to the misplaced hoe. The same applies to parsnips. Runner beans, by contrast, are a doddle if you water them properly and can beat away predators.

If you really want to dabble in food production, acquire a few chickens. It’s not strictly gardening, I know, but we keep our eight hens in the garden and, with stout fencing, they pretty much look after themselves. Their food costs about £12 a month, for which we get five eggs a day in return.

Don’t, however, be tempted to keep a cockerel. We once had a portly Buff Orpington that attacked one of the children – Mrs White was the last person to see him alive.

According to The Grocer magazine, food prices have risen by about 30% in the past year. Carrots are 25% more expensive and potatoes are up by 29%. As a result, more people may be tempted to take the professor’s advice. Remember, though, it’s not only time-consuming, but can be hazardous. Three times this year, I’ve stepped on a concealed rake.

Despite these setbacks, I am still determined to assert my food citizenship. Apart from anything else, I enjoy the exercise. Our rhubarb has been a minor success, as have the courgettes and leeks. We also have a fig tree, a pear tree and a handful of apple trees. The beetroot was a triumph; I planted it on a whim, only to discover that nobody here really likes beetroot.

I have also learnt from my mistakes. For a start, begin early. Certainly not on FA Cup Final day, which is when I’ve usually found myself digging frantically. This year, great swathes of garden are already covered in tarpaulin to keep out weeds and let the manure soak in. Two weeks ago, I planted 90 garlic cloves: I found a bare patch of earth and shoved them in. They’re already poking their leaves above ground. As soon as it stops raining, I’m planting onions. Lots of them. As for potatoes,I’ll be first in the queue at the garden centre come January.

Taste the good life

Begin early: prepare and fertilise ground well

Buy seeds, tubers or plants in advance

Weed, weed, weed – and water when needed

Guard plants with your life: use fences, scarecrows, slug repellents. Anything to protect your veg

If all else fails, keep a few hens

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