Being a gardener has its problems. At one party last year, I claimed to be a GP to stop people badgering me with their questions. GPs are, I should add, only one notch down on the OK-to-ask-professional-questions-at-a-party scale, but I scraped by. On the other hand, sometimes it’s impossible to resist offering advice; I watch my in-laws struggling guiltily to maintain their ever-expanding garden, and I want to burst out and tell them: “Stop! Rationalise! Do this and that and the garden would be so much less work!” Here, for your benefit, are those this-and-thats.

Pruning

“Oh, God, it’s July. Is it philadelphus or hydrangea I’m supposed to be pruning now?”

Why not just avoid plants which need time-sensitive pruning and lose the worry and the guilt? Choose shrubs that need no significant pruning: daphnes, hebes, rhododendrons, abelia, rosemary, viburnums, potentilla, witch hazel. Avoid shrubs that regularly have disfiguring, time-consuming diseases or pest problems: rust defoliating the roses, capsid bugs ruining the flowers of Phygelius. If you are planting anew, plant through a black porous membrane with mulch on top to obviate weeds.

Grass

“Blimey, it’s got out of hand!”

Get rid of those silly little bits of lawn – odd paths into the dark corners of the garden, pointless thin wedges beside the path – and widen the hard surface instead. This can greatly reduce the edging (why have a two-edged sward when you can have only one?), but if there are conspicuous edges to be cut every time you mow, perhaps along the front of a border, then think about installing a paving strip flush with the surface of the lawn. The mower will sail over the join and cut the grass edges, and the plants can spill on to the paving without yellowing the lawn. If the lawn is truly tiny, pave it and make a sitting area. If you prefer, choose gravel laid over a water-porous membrane, but remember, plants will seed into it. Occasionally, it may pay to have more lawn, to replace that silly, fiddly little rockery, or that bloody birdbath.

Climbers

“Can’t see what’s going on up there, but I know it means ladders.”

Getting winding stems from around gutters and downpipes can be tough. Better to avoid vigorous self-clinging climbers such as ivy and Virginia creeper. If you want twining or smothering creepers, make sure there are no supports above 10ft to give them a leg-up. And keep them separate on the wall; there is nothing worse than interlocked climbers, especially with different pruning requirements.

Pots

“We can’t go on holiday any more; there’s too much watering.”

If you must have pots, have just a few big ones against the house, near the tap, and in containers which are totally frost-proof. Pots should be your best (only?) place for bedding plants, although alternatively you might change to just clipped evergreens (they never look wrong), or to tubs of agapanthus which you can drag into the garage for the winter. No more winter windowsills full of sad-looking coleus and succulents wishing they were in St Tropez.

Perennials

“Perennials? Don’t start me. The weeding, the staking…”

So avoid it, and follow the don’ts. Don’t have perennials that wilt and have you running for a watering can after two days’ heat. Don’t have tall dahlias and delphiniums and hollyhocks to stake. Don’t have echiums that only survive mild winters. Don’t have plants that run into everything else: Euphorbia griffithii, Lysimachia, Macleaya, lyme grass, Geranium procurrens. No hostas for the slugs and snails, no lilies for the scarlet beetles, no polyanthus for the vine weevils. But do follow the dos. Have plenty of perennials that will go a decade or more without division: hellebores, peonies, Japanese anemones, agapanthus, ferns. Use plants that flower for months: Coreopsis verticillata, Geranium ‘Rozanne’, Sedum telephium ‘Matrona’, phormium. Go big on tough, trouble-free bulbs in shade, in grass or among perennials: bluebells, scillas, snowdrops, small narcissi, nerines, colchicums. Mulch regularly, to keep down the weeding.

Hedges

“Yes, but what about his back?”

Now, come on. I have saved you the cost of four bags of compost and half your usual bedding plants, and that irrigation kit for holiday time, and the slug pellets and the fungicide, and all that worry. Now is the time for you to do your bit; to treat yourself. Hire someone to cut the hedges. Yes, everybody needs hedges, but don’t let them be a can’t-live-here-any-more burden. Pay someone to do it. The minute you sign the cheque the endorphins will kick in and you’ll be thanking me.

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