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From The Sunday Times

March 11, 2007

I’m a DIY disaster zone

This generation of men is largely useless at home repairs, reckons CC Norton — and he is one of them

Iimagine it was once virtually impossible to get by if you couldn’t put up a shelf, build a barbecue or assemble a bicycle. Today, most kitchens are fitted, barbecues come on wheels and fold-up bikes are everywhere, so it’s easy to cruise through life unaware of the quicksand waiting to swallow the DIY novice. I seem to be part of a generation of modern men who have no interest in doing jobs about the house.

I think my lack of dedication and patience is genetic. I recall our family suppressing laughter as Dad cursed loudly whenever he had a hammer in his hand: he was definitely much better at tinkling the ivories and sipping Guinness than doing household repairs.

Later, I had an incredibly practical stepfather, who devoted his spare time to the quest for home improvement. My role was confined to carrying logs and cups of tea, and holding ladders.

A time-use survey last year by the Office for National Statistics revealed that men spend on average 25 minutes a day on repairs and DIY. Until recently, I probably spent 25 minutes a year. I’ve always tried to use cheap tradesmen for crucial odd jobs rather than tackle anything myself. Then I learnt the error of my ways.

It started in October as cable television was being installed at my fourth-floor Victorian converted studio in Westbourne Park, London. The Sky man looked around my attic flat and said: “Nah, can’t do it, mate.”

“What do you mean?” I asked. “Can’t drill through the roof tiles to put up the dish unless you sign a waiver. You can do it yourself if you like.”

The weasel had called my bluff. How hard could it be for a 31-year-old man of the world to create the tiny hole needed? I grabbed his drill.

Seven days later, I convinced myself the hole I’d made was not getting bigger — oh, no — and not affecting the closure and seal of the skylight window. Then a storm blew the skylight open when I was out and flooded my office area. The wall, my computer, my laptop, my television and piles of notes — all ruined. My iPod was actually submerged. I nearly cried.

My DIY incompetence had cost me thousands of pounds. Worse, when anyone came to fix the mess or deliver new office materials, they could not get hold of me because my door bell had broken some time earlier — of course, I hadn’t been able to fix it — and it had seemed an unnecessary call-out for some greedy Mr Fixit. I took to leaving postit notes on the front door.

Disaster had been looming for some time. My pictures were crooked, I always bought the wrong lightbulb and the strip light in my bathroom had fizzled out months ago. I bathed in the dark, using a fork to fish out the plug: its chain had fallen off.

A survey of 1,000 British households last year by GfK, a market research agency, found that 72% of home improvement projects are driven by women. This confirms my long-held theory that when men disappear for a spot of DIY in the potting shed they are really building a giant model of the Bismarck.

The survey results ring true: most of my girlfriends have been more practical than me. I’ve never felt emasculated by my lack of DIY skills but now I have been hit by a gigantic blow to my wallet. What can I do? I’ve looked into DIY courses for beginners and, curiously, there don’t seem to be many around for useless gentlemen — no doubt because it’s a hard swallow for some male egos. It’s pretty much how I feel.

One course that has caught my eye is the LowImpact Living Initiative (Lili) course in Winslow, Buckinghamshire, which claims to give you an ecofriendly DIY base and teach you skills that can save you money. It would give me a bit more street cred than a DIY for dummies course, and propel me a few rungs up the home improvement ladder, but I’m still wavering — I have a lifetime of apathy to shake off.

Still, I am trying to be more practical. I now know what and where the trip switch is, I glued a knob back onto a chest of drawers, and it has stayed there. I even assembled a small Ikea television stand, which is my pride and joy. By the time I’m 40 I should be able to wire a plug.

-The next Low-Impact Living Initiative weekend course on beginners’ DIY takes place October 5-7; 01296 714 184, www.lowimpact.org

Frank Spencer of "Some mothers-" was a trailblazing DIY icon who tackled simple or complex jobs alike and caused unmitigated chaos and disaster. It was a subtle warning viewers ignored at their own risk. We all had to learn the HARD way. I found it a simple matter to nail a couple loose foorboards back in the Edwardian home. The nails punctured central heating water pipes beneath. Why did that damn fool of a plumber put them THERE of all places?. Perhaps ge was even incompetent enough to leave the boards loose. One needs great courage to attempt this sort of thing, and no fear of death and doom if the domestic authority catches wind of it before your errors are put right by an expert.

Piggy Kruger, Bridgwater, UK